Can a marriage survive, and even thrive when the woman makes much more money than the man?  “Of course yes”, Leonard Kinuthia (Leo), an executive Pastor at Nairobi’s International Christian Centre says without a moment’s hesitation. He would know, after all he says, from the onset of his marriage, his wife Dr Rosaline Njoki (Rossie) has always had the bigger paycheck and from the look of things, the trend is likely to continue.

Pastor Leonard Kinuthia is a man on a mission. With a tidy halo of jet black hair framing his round face, his eyes twinkle with merriment behind his glasses, he doesn’t look like a soldier. Gregarious, ready to crack a joke at the batting of an eye it is hard to believe that he is on a crusade flying high the banner of marriage. His quest is to save this institution long before it is even conceived.

How can that be? You ask?  How does one take up arms and fight for this institution that is currently under siege from all directions? And what tools does one even take up? And who is the enemy in this age-old war? The book, 60 Days Marathon: A young Adults Studyguide, is his answer. Prepared as a workbook for small groups of single people to discuss together, Kinuthia lays out in great detail sixty worst possible scenarios a couple is likely to encounter if and when they consider marriage. This new book is his second after Sex Principles and Values: Parents’ Guide, to help parents talk to their children about sexuality in the home before the world and the internet takes over their education.

Pastor Leo, who counsels many couples before and during marriages says that the top three marriage killers are a couple’s management of their money, sexual life and in-laws.

“Money is really not the problem but what to do in the presence or absence of it is vital,” he says. On a regular basis, I meet with couples trapped in the web of debt from taking loans to finance lavish weddings or living beyond their means or just simply keeping their money and finances separate. Without preaching from a lofty place, he becomes a sagacious elder serving up the perils of keeping up appearances while piling up runaway debt that could cripple a marriage before it even starts.

 60 Days Marathon: A young Adults Study guide, by Pastor Leo Kinuthia has been pPrepared as a workbook for small groups of single people to discuss together. Kinuthia lays out in great detail sixty worst possible scenarios a couple is likely to encounter if and when they consider marriage. PHOTO | NATION

Drawing from his experiences he advises that couples do not measure a person’s worth by their pay slip . Married young and broke, he retraces his love story that he regales his congregation with at any given opportunity.

SPECIAL WOMAN

Then a final year Zoology student at the University of Nairobi, Leo steeled himself as he approached the medical school’s hostels. Looking suave in his weekend finest, having kindled a firestorm by breaking an unwritten rule of dating on campus, he decided to be just as incendiary with his follow-up. Reed-thin and broke with little but infectious charisma he planned to propose to Rossie, his girlfriend of two years who was then a third year medical student.

“I was so thin with sharp, jutting, geometric cheekbones that I looked like I was whistling,” he muses looking back on that eventful day. “I was lucky to have arrived just in time as from the corner of my eye, I saw a rival for Rossie’s attention arrive. Too bad for him, by then she had already said yes.”

Rosaline Njoki, who he affectionately calls Rossie was the apple of his eye. From the moment she sailed within his sights as a first year student and then as a member of the Christian Union she knew she was something special. But there was just one problem, she was deemed to be out of my league.

“In our days it was not common for a BSc (science student) to marry someone from medical school as they were deemed smarter and were considered out of reach. My friends thought my interest was fleeting and I was in it for the prospect.”

They couldn’t have been more wrong, “I knew in my heart that she was a good person and I asked around to establish that she was seeing anyone. Once I was assured she was free indeed, I took a step of faith and we became friends setting in motion events that would ultimately culminate in their marriage a few short years later.

He would make several of these visits over time. “Those were happy times for me. I got to see the woman I loved and these became the only times I ever ate meat in college,” he says with a chuckle.

Their journey was not without its challenges. Leo who came from a humble background was worried that his fiancée would reject him when she saw where he came from.

“I knew it was a make or break affair once she saw our peasant homestead that my parents and nine siblings called home. To her credit she did not flinch and got along well with my family. She proudly introduced me to her family who accepted me too. The two agreed to get married after Leo’s graduation.

“By this time, I was sure I was called to minister, and was a volunteer in my church, taking part in various activities across the country. I had no money, yet I was planning my maiden official visit to Rossie’s home.”

For such visits, custom demands that you go bearing gifts, gifts that Leo had no money to buy. At the time, Rosaline was on paid internship and had saved some money, which she generously gave Leo.

“How many women would do that?” Leo poses. Indeed, how many?

That visit paved way for their wedding in 2002. Since they did not have enough money to finance their wedding, their friends and church pitched in and they had a simple but beautiful ceremony.

HOTBED OF CHAOS

“We started our married life in a one-bedroom extension. It was so dark, we had to keep the lights on even during the day. We were so broke, we could not even afford a bed. A friend lent us our first bed,” says Leo, laughing at the memory.

Rosaline adds that travelling to work in a matatu was a luxury, and to make ends meet, they would take the overcrowded train to work, which was much cheaper.

“We had nothing, but our home was filled with love, joy and laughter.”

Lack of money and the inequality of it all  did not strain their marriage, and they consciously ensure that it does not come between them.

 “Drawing from our experience, money is not the problem, rather, how the two of you react in its presence or absence.”

In their case, they have a joint account, which makes it easy for them to agree on how to use their money.

Leo admits that theirs is an exception. “My wife Rossie is just an extraordinary person. She was able to see the bigger picture. I like to say she married the future, not the emaciated young man that stood before her those many years.” That realisation brought upon him the responsibility to help set them up for successful marriages.

According to his book, the other minefield that will blow marriages apart is sex. He notes that sex is crucial and a marriage is not considered one until it is consummated. He says.  A wanting sex life, he points out, is usually a manifestation of other challenges.

“When the couple is not doing well, their intimacy is affected. This is because sex is the highest show of unity and love. Sex is the culmination of intimacy, not its precursor. It is an off shoot of love, but not love itself. I have seen marriages break up due to childlessness, a woman conceiving during courtship, and extramarital affairs,” he says, and adds. “Unfortunately, sex, the very act that should unite a couple, is a major cause of  many failed marriages.”

“Just to scratch the surface, men are said to be in the mood for it anytime anywhere, while women are said to need time to “get there.” If the man does not understand this and take the time to learn how to get his wife’s attention, there will be a problem, which will escalate if it is not solved.”

He also points out that to a man, sex can be a purely physical affair, but to a woman, this act is much more than that – when she seeks it, what she is looking for is affection and appreciation.

“There are some women however, who use sex as a weapon for revenge or blackmail. They will withhold sex from their husbands to get them to give in to something or punish them for a perceived wrong. This kind of manipulation is wrong, and at some point, it will turn back and bite them.”

The book also contains a no-holds barred examination of the sexual temptations that plague marriage, from pornography, addiction to sex, homosexuality and other turn-ons that both singles and married people encounter on a daily basis. The book offers no easy answers, only making it clear that for your marriage to thrive, you need to find a way to overcome these temptations.

The author however points out that those who cultivate trust, are transparent and accountable to their partner, fulfill their responsibilities and are appreciative and respectful of each other are more likely to avoid these pitfalls.

SPOUSE COMES FIRST

Another major cause of disharmony in marriage is in-laws.

Says Leo, “In our African setting, interaction with in-laws is inevitable. Culturally, you are married into a family, rather than to just your spouse. Also, you have always been part of a family before meeting your spouse, so how you relate with them after marriage can either make or break your relationship.”

The women in the man’s life especially need to get along, while men must defend their wives if need be.

“A responsible man knows that it is his duty to stand by his wife and defend her, no matter what. It is important to put up a united front before your extended families.”

“I tell women that their husband’s mother and sisters are there to stay, so they need to make an effort to get along – there is no one happier than a man whose wife, mother, and sisters get along.”

Should a misunderstanding between you and your in-laws crop up, let your husband handle it if his relatives are involved. If your relatives are the cause of the conflict, you should be the one to intervene.

“Also, you are not obliged to host relatives, especially if this threatens the stability of your marriage. Love them and assist them if they need assistance, but remember your spouse and his or her comfort comes first.”

When dealing with these three issues, (money, sex, and in-laws) the key to navigating through them successfully is to communicate openly and trust each other to have the best interests of the marriage at heart. If you have these two, you will be able to overcome any challenge that comes your way.

“These three will always be with us, so make your boundaries clear, uphold them firmly, and watch your marriage blossom.”

WORKING RELATIONSHIPS

“When most people marry, they readily say “I do” to the good and bad times, but when calamity and the difficult times come knocking, they choose to walk away,” says Leo.

Most of these individuals who take the easy way out, he adds, are often unaware or inadequately prepared to handle the possible pitfalls they may encounter along the way. Marriage is easy in theory, they say, but in reality, takes work to keep it afloat.

While he admits that no relationship or marriage is perfect, he advocates for settling for one that works.

“The perfection or imperfection of a relationship depends on the couple; what the two of you bring in will either add to, or subtract from the relationship. I would talk of a working relationship instead of a perfect one.”

The characteristics of such a relationship include: vulnerability or transparency, bearing with each other patiently, serving each other, overlooking non-issues, giving of yourself, being committed and faithful.