A clip was doing rounds on social media the other week. An alleged married woman was caught sampling a different delicacy on her matrimonial bed served by a ‘cook’ other than her man.

But the truth of the matter is that both men and women cheat. However, women tend to be a bit smarter in the cheating game. That is why many of us were taken aback at this mama who had the ‘balls’ to bring a fat fool into her home and matrimonial bed. Her defence of “sikujua Baba Shawn atarudi mapema” left many women giggling. What annoying ignorance! Woman, one never takes chances!

While men cheat because they can, women cheat for justifiable reasons. Picture this; you wake up at 4am or 5am, trying to beat the morning traffic to the office. You leave work at 5pm and head straight to the pub to wait out the evening traffic, then stagger home when everybody has gone to bed.

At the pub, you are drawn to a lass at the counter, whose ample cleavage and curvy bottom sends your blood to a boil. Then you remember that back home, you left a wife whose breasts are flatter than the word itself. You chuckle and make a pass at the girl.

But how silly can men really be? That woman has a flat ‘dashboard’ because your brats sucked her dry. She made you a father and bestowed honour on you. She made you a man.

You get home past 11pm to find the children and the missus asleep (actually the wife is just pretending, no woman ever falls asleep before her husband safely gets home). That you would expect your long-suffering wife to wake up in the dead of night to warm your food is the height of stupidity. Then, because you had eaten nyama choma with the boys and some random gachungwa, you toy with the food like someone poking some faeces and head straight to bed. If only you knew how her heart bleeds?

In bed, she longs for your touch, but like most conservative African women, she waits for you to make the first move. Nothing! The useless you will be snoring like an overfed pig! That woman’s tears stream inwardly, she knows you no longer find her attractive, you barely have time for meaningful conversation with her, unless the both of you are yelling or she has a message to covey like, “Mtoi anataka school fees.”

My friend, there is nothing a woman values more than attention. Deny her that and she will go out to look for it, even if it means bringing an ugly and broke man into your matrimonial bed. Another reason women cheat is for sexual satisfaction. Let no one lie to you, women love sex just as much as men, if not more. She could have married this stud who was macho and used to put her against the wall and ravish her. But barely five years into the marriage, her man acquires a potbelly, thanks to too much beer and nyamchom.

Consequently, his tummy gets bigger and his tool gets smaller. In bed, before she can spread her legs, he is done and panting wildly. Or, she could have married a man who is poor in bed by her standards because of her own reasons, forcing her to seek satisfaction elsewhere.

Some other man will find her baby fat enticing; some other man will love her meals and treat her with more respect. Never make your woman crave for your attention or leave her high and dry. Who doesn’t love orgasms anyway? If your prowess is not worth discussing at a chama, do not panic, there are always other ways of satisfying your woman. I am not Madam Mungai though, so I have no lessons to offer.

Hey women, I cannot play the moral police; that is for your pastors. Even if I scream my lungs out that cheating is wrong, it will not stop anyone from doing it. As an adult, you know what is good for you and your marriage or family. However, for the sake of the little dignity and decency left in you, if you must cheat, for whatever reason, please don’t do it in your matrimonial bed.

And for heaven’s sake, what man worth his balls gets horny in another man’s house?

Enyewe witchcraft is real.