A seasoned Nigerian writer, s*x and relationship expert has penned an interesting thought provoking piece on the recurring domestic violence in matrimonial homes.

Disturbingly, it seems domestic violence against men has become a very middle-class problem. As women work. earn – and in many cases drink – as much as their menfolk, the dominant force in many relationships is no longer male and some women are lashing out. According to newspaper reports, “For nine years, Peter a 47 -year -old IT expert was scratched, punched and slapped by his 42-year-old wife. A proprietress of a primary school, she showed compassion and patience with her young charges by day, but at home, her temper knew no bounds.

 

“And her husband, out of shame and desperation to keep their family unit together for the sake of their young daughter, simply put up with it. To the outside world’, “ Peter said, ‘she presented a sweet, professional veneer, a smoke screen and I went along with it because I worried about the consequences if I didn’t.’ It was only after a shocking burst of temper. which saw his wife swing a hair-dryer at her husband, splitting his head open and causing a wound that required eight stitches in hospital, that he finally accepted he needed help.”

 

“Ironically,” continued the report, “he was prompted by a phone call from their daughter’s school – the 11-year-old had confided in her teachers about what she’d seen Mummy do to Daddy and the school got in touch. In the end Peter had to face the bitter truth he was married to a monster and had to kiss his marriage goodbye.”

 

In the dying hours of last year, a housewife who saw red when her husband gave her only N,000 for the family’s Christmas festivities, went into a wild brawl with him which resulted in her stabbing him to death. Over the years, newspaper stories and social media coverage of domestic violence where women feature prominently as the villains, are mind-bugling. There was violence, bullying and intimidation. A spouse being isolated from friends and family, having their confidence and self-respect destroyed and even sanity doubted.

 

A police spokesman agreed that “Domestic abuse is no respecter of class or status. It crosses all social boundaries – we get calls from bankers, solicitors and medical doctors, as well as office workers, artisans and bus drivers.”  A few months back, a solicitor’s wife, Sharon Edwards was jailed for life for murder after a Manchester Crown Court in Britain heard how he regularly beat and belittled her husband David, before she stabbed him with a kitchen knife. Sharon was said to have relied on the knowledge that her husband, whom she had met a year earlier would never hit back or call the police. After his death, his body was found to be covered in 60 cuts and bruises.

 

According to Professor Kevin Brown, Peter’s situation is far from unique. He saw it is time society woke up to the reality. “In a third of all domestic violence cases the women are violent to men, and the reason many  men don’t report it is because they fear not being believed. Another reason why violence is creeping into middle-class marriages could be, at least in parts, due to the dramatic shift in women’s position in society over the past half century, with most now juggling work as well as family responsibilities, with the inevitable stress that entails. Women are also more likely to suffer from alcohol abuse than in the past and that might be contributing to them becoming more violent, as it’s a disinhibitor.”

 

At 6ft 3in, Simon Smith, a Royal Navy Seaman in Britain, can testify that the masculinity and physical strength are no protection from domestic abuse. His ex-wife, Crystal, was jailed for nine years after she stabbed him in a drunken rage at the family home. According to report: ‘The Smiths married in October 2010, following an 18-month courtship and have a five-year-old daughter. Although Simon was aware his wife had a nasty temper ,it wasn’t until early 2011, when their daughter was a few months old, that she became violent towards him. `She told me she had zero tolerance to dirt nd if I left smear marks on a glass it would make her so angry she could become violent”, recalls Simon.  “She was very good at making me feel I deserved the things she did, so the next day, I would apologise. I never hit her back, I would never hit a woman, no matter what”.

 

“It is easy to see how Slmon’s perspecttve of the state of his marriage was further skewed as Crystal engineered his increasing alienation from his family, who knew nothing of the violence. When he phoned his parents or siblings Crystal would demand the call was on speaker-phone so that she could hear both sides of the conversation.  Simon, was too ashamed to confide in friends.  Nor did he contemplate leaving the family home.  Crystal threatened that she would make it as difficult as possible for him to see their daughter.

 

“Nothing could have prepared him for the events that unfolded after they attended a naval dinner two years ago. Crystal, who was very drunk, was heard by a couple, with whom the Smiths shared a taxi home, chanting: ‘I’m going to make it rain with pain.’ Back home, after she punched and threw a knife block at Simon, he went to their bedroom to pack a bag, planning to spend the night with a friend. and give her time to calm down.

 

“However, Crystal crept upstairs after him with a kitchen knife, which she plunged twice into his back and once into his arm. Simon lost six pints of blood and underwent life-saving surgery in hospital. He says: “There is a perception that men are stronger to put up with it, but that doesn’t allow for the psychological abuse. My saviour was a neighbour who alerted police after hearing my screams. She’d told me that if the police turned up to tell them that I’d been attached due to gambling debts, which is what I did. But the officer, who saw I also had many old injuries, took me outside to the police van. He said ‘Is the person who hurt you still inside your house.” I whispered ‘yes’ and then collapsed in the back of the van. I couldn’t believe it was all over …”

 

Closer home, in Ibadan about a year ago, Oyelowo Oyediran was stabbed to death on his bed. He’d earlier had an all mighty row with his wife Yewande, who couldn’t live with the fact that another woman, far away in France had a child for him. She was still looking unto the Lord and this must have fuelled her jealousy. The poor man’s blood-curdling howls during the first attack alerted the neighbours who intervened. Assuring them that all was well, the wife was so convincingly contrite that they left Oyelowo alone with his wife. And the husband was so confident he was safe he went to bed with his eyes closed! That was when his tormented wife pounced on him and finished off what she’d started earlier by stabbing him to death.

 

As a lot of men have discovered to their cost, either gender can be a victim or perpetrator of domestic abuse. Even a couple of past heads of states have been rumoured to have been battered by their wives! And as the number of women convicted of this violent clime continues to escalate. maybe it’s about time we all thought beyond the stereotype of the battered wife.

 

About the Author: