I am a 45 year old man who has been married for the past 18 years and together with my wife been blessed with three children; two boys and a girl who are now all teenagers. I have also been in Christian ministry for the past two decades and currently I am a deacon in the church my family fellowships at.

I have been carrying a secret though, I am a closet homosexual. Ever since I could remember I was attracted to the same sex. When I was five I had my first kiss with another boy and all through my teenage years I developed those feelings.

Before I met my wife I went through “gay exorcism” and reparative therapy thinking I would be converted from homosexuality to heterosexuality. Out of pressure I dated my wife and proposed to her thinking that having sexual relations with her would “cure” me from homosexuality.

Seven years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression in which the psychiatrist concluded was borne from frustrations from work. That was far from the truth, the truth was that this secret was eating me up. True, at the time my work was extremely demanding as it should have been but that was not the reason for my depression.

John

Hi,

I commend you for raising an issue that you have lived with for so many years. Disclosure has two main benefits: First, it frees the heart from burdens that could clash with one’s faith and practice. Second, disclosure provides a door for accountability to be built. It is remarkable that with such weight matter on your shoulders, you have raised a family and having been serving as deacon. It is hard for a person to divorce themselves from their faith and values. This is what has caused this internal conflict.

You were raised as a believer and served as a Christian leader. Living a life in a closet is a tough thing to do. It is hard to live a ‘double life’ since to the world you present one side of your life while trying to ensure that no one ever discovers your struggles. I have noted that you went through what you call “gay exorcism” and reparative therapy. I am not sure if you went through this willingly and what your intentions were.

Your convictions should have been based on your value system guided by whether you believed that homosexuality was not right or you were just trying to fit in? Part of your depression arises from this conflict. King David who once lived under such internal conflict resulting from sin and a breaking of his God given values said, “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.” In life, there is a connection between our emotional and spiritual state. Our faith and practice must match. As you rightly put it, living with such a burden has its own effects on your health.  The mental issues we face can adversely affect not only our health but our careers and relationships as well.

FEELINGS VS ORIENTATION

Although you have not stated explicitly what you need assistance in, it coming out of a desire to make a choice on whether you are going to depart from the life of homosexuality or whether you are going to live in open as a homosexual?

Are you feeling defeated in handling your homosexual tendency and behaviour or are you worried that you might be discovered by family and society and probably lose everything you hold dear? In life there are consequences to the choices we make. Whether you live your life as a homosexual or in obedience to God and the values you were taught is a personal choice to which you will stand accountable.

Let me bring a distinction between feelings and orientation? You mentioned that, at five years, you started being drawn to boys and had your first kiss. In life, feelings and reality can be very different. You can have feelings for many things but that does not mean you must act on embracing them. In your case though, it appears that you acted and pursued such feelings to a point that you considered yourself gay.

As a Christian in both belief and practice, you have grown to become a leader in the church. In addition, I imagine you have come to know what the Bible speaks about homosexuality. I can imagine how agonising it has been for you trying to cover your lifestyle but still portray yourself as a Bible believer.

Since faith in God is a choice God wants us to make voluntarily, The truth is that God loves you but desires that you express yourself sexually within the confines of the faith that is based on His Word.

Therefore, to address the issue you face, ask yourself some basic questions: First, what triggered the homosexual feelings? Is there something that happened to you that aroused them?

At five years, it appears too early for such a conclusive stand on your life. Were you exposed to sex talk or even practice too early in life? Would you say you really understood what sex is at such an age? Second, are there actions you engage in that make it difficult for you to overcome homosexuality since it conflicts with the teaching of the bible you profess to believe in? Biblically, homosexuality is a sin. There are no two ways to it. As a result, your lifestyle is negatively impacting your relationship with God, wife, and children. Would you rather sacrifice all that for this lifestyle that fits your desires? This is a question that no one but yourself can answer and be willing to sacrifice and be accountable for.