The concept of platonic friendship, first described by the philosopher Plato as “chaste and non-sexual love,” has been the subject of heated debate for centuries. While it’s possible and acceptable for a man and woman to say they are ‘just friends’ and nothing more, things become somewhat complicated when either or both of them are in romantic relationships (with other people).

How then, should a romantic girlfriend handle the presence of a platonic female buddy in her man’s life?

 “It’s not that I don’t trust my boyfriend,” says 30-year-old Alice, a systems analyst at a communications company, who is in a nine-month-old relationship ,“but when I call him after work and on weekends and (casually) ask what he’s up to, he always seems to hanging out with this particular girl. They do spend an awful lot of time together!

When we first started dating, he did introduce us; me as his girlfriend and her as a longtime friend. But it always nags me that they hang out together alone (not as a group of friends); even though they do it in public.”

“But then again, he’s open about it; it’s not like he’s hiding anything. Yes, of course, I’m jealous; they have an easy way about them that I don’t have with him. I tolerate her, but I don’t particularly like her, and I don’t particularly want to be friends with her, she says, shrugging.

On the other side of the coin, Maryanne, a 34-year-old fashion stylist who has always been good friends with men, has had her fair share of drama.

“I’ve had unfamiliar women call me demanding that I explain what kind of relationship I have with their boyfriends. The funny thing is that the men I get questioned about are the ones I have absolutely never thought of in a romantic sense,” she laughs.

Initially, Maryanne would judge such women who told her to keep off their men as insecure, but she has since changed her position.

BECAME JEALOUS

 “Being married now, I get where they were coming from. After marriage, I became jealous of my husband’s close relationship with his female cousin… I mean, in this case it’s not even the question of infidelity, it’s just the idea that your man is lavishing another woman with (undivided) attention.”

Relationships psychologist Chris Hart notes that both men and women are uncomfortable with a partner who has close opposite sex friends because they recognise that such friendships raise the risk of infidelity. Drawing from the age-old question on whether men and women can really be just friends, Dr Hart confirms what numerous research has already suggested: that most platonic cross-gender relationships tend to be half-platonic, where one ‘friend’ harbours romantic feelings for the other. 

“Most cross-gender relationships involve some degree of sexual attraction and a high proportion do indeed slip into some degree of intimacy at some point even if temporarily, so many of the ‘friends’ do have sex a few times and then decide not to in future. Moreover, all men secretly fantasise about sleeping with their close female friends,” he explains.

Alice concurs with this explanation, sharing that while she is not interested in any of her male friends romantically, in some cases, the relationship is non-sexual only because she has decided it should be.

“This is why I’m very uncomfortable with my boyfriend’s female friend; because two of my male friends (who are in relationships and who I genuinely thought were nothing but friends) have made passes at me and when I declined, they left it at that. But we are still friends. I get the feeling the woman holds the power. If she wanted to sleep with her male friend, she would – that’s not cool.”

Steve Harvey, a TV host and author based in the US, tells women in his book Straight Talk, No Chaser, that it is impossible for men to be just friends with women.

CORRECT APPROACH

“I don’t have female friends. I’m incapable of that. If there’s a guy somewhere saying ‘we are friends’, that’s not true. He’s only your friend because you have made it absolutely clear that nothing else is happening except friendship. We remain your friends in the hope that one day there will be a crack in the door…and we will slide into that crack the moment we get the opportunity. Until then, we just hang around…,” he writes.

How then does the girlfriend handle the presence of a platonic female buddy in her man’s life?

“I’d only consider it handled if the relationship was non-existent, “ says Alice, “but it’s not fair for me to tell him to end it, especially since they’ve been friends for years. My worry is that if I ask him to end it chances are that, even if he does it, he’s going to resent me for it, especially if their relationship is truly platonic.”

As for Maryanne, she is only comfortable with her husband’s female friends if they are also her friends.

“If she is a separate part of his life that doesn’t involve me at all, then it is acceptable. I don’t have to be her BFF or go shopping with her, but I should know about her and be able to spend time with my husband and his female friend without any awkwardness,” she says.

The best approach, Hart says, is to state your concerns without asking your man to end things.

 “A good partner will reassure you and either bring the friendship more into the open or end it. If they don’t do either, that should be a deal-breaker.”

Likewise, the female buddy should be aware and empathise with the girlfriend’s feelings and do nothing that would offend her. The same goes for the man; he should empathise with his girlfriend’s feelings and keep the friendship in the open – after all, he would also be concerned if she had close male friends. Lastly, Hart insists that there are many people who do seem to enjoy platonic relationships.

“The guideline would be to be clear on the boundaries and concerns and for everyone to be very honest with one another.”