I recently discovered an interesting relationship ailment: that of people who are struggling to overcome a ‘relationship’ with an “ex” that never was.

This person, the ex, that is, is a person that one had a serious crash on or secretly admired, though a relationship never came to be. Could this unrequited attraction affect your current relationship?

Possibly everyone reading this would have their own story to tell, a story about someone you were  really attracted to or even loved, but for some reason, a relationship did not blossom.

With time, the spark died off and you moved on. For others however, the spark stays on, never igniting, but never dying off either. Here are some possible reasons why this might happen.

First, you lacked the courage to make your feelings known, and as a result, you lost the chance to be with that person. Maybe he/she was your boss for instance, and you could not easily approach him/her.

In some cases, and this is a more critical scenario, you may have personality challenges, such as shyness or a low esteem that holds you back from making a move even when all conditions are ripe.

Second, circumstances might be that the person you desire was out of reach the first time you met. An obvious example is when the subject of your fantasy is already in a stable relationship, probably married. In normal circumstances, many people would

consider that a passing cloud and recover once it passes. Some however have difficulties letting go, even when they are holding nothing in the first place.

Closely related is a situation where physical separation happens before one has made a move. For instance, I read a story of a couple who were separated by war, went on to marry and have families, but got married when they both became available.

Guess after how long? 70 years! It can’t get any real than that!

To begin with, a person in these circumstances is perpetually in  hunting mode, never satisfied with whom they have at any one time.

REGRET AND WISHFUL THINKING

They might move on under the pressure of circumstances, but will find it very difficult to maintain a relationship. They harbour feelings of regret, other times the crash is re-enacted, and in some instances, wishful thinking that somehow, providence will give him/her another go at it. 

It therefore follows that the person they long for becomes the standard against which other potential or current partners are measured. And we all know that a lover remains perfect as long as he/she is still an unachieved target, right?

In such a scenario then, one is comparing a real person with an imaginary one, and needless to say, the real one will always lose. That is a good recipe for constant conflict in that relationship.

WAY FORWARD

A good place to start is to acknowledge that such feelings exist, rather than try to suppress them. It does not mean you are abnormal, rather, suggests that you have to work harder to banish these feelings.

Follow this acceptance with a confession to someone you can trust, possibly a counsellor, so that the whole gamut of emotions in you is dealt with.

Should your partner know about this? I would say no, until you have fully processed your feelings. Even then, carefully assess the value such a revelation would add to your relationship before you act.

What about the object of your fantasy? Should you let your feelings to him or her known? This could cause serious conflict especially if this person is married or in a relationship.

If you are in contact with this person, it is time to server these link, and with this, hopefully banish this long-held fantasy.