The uproar about the inclusion of dead people’s names on a recent list of federal government appointments is highly regrettable. Honestly! We should all hide our heads in shame for hindering this government from performing a feat which, had it succeeded, would have announced Nigeria to the world as a one to be reckoned with. It is the fault of the social media infection really. No wonder the older generation approach it with a mixture of suspicion and hatred.

The first issue I have with the wailers is the assumption that government does not know that these people are dead. With all the human, material and spiritual resources at its disposal, why would it mistake such facts? The truth is that Nigeria is at such a crossroad that ancestors need to be called to the rescue. We are fighting a war without guns, a war that we need the sixth eye to win. Folklore and tradition support the government’s position on this. The only difference is that the announcement was not made at a junction where three roads meet.

Eat your heart out, therefore, social media! Now, due to your impatience and ‘cluelessness’, you have scared the rescue team back to the great beyond.

If the younger people had been tutored in the ways of old, they would have learnt about things that upset apparitions and ghosts. Rule number one: When you encounter one, stand still. Don’t move. Apparently, this condition had been practically fulfilled with the fuel scarcity. The country was already at a standstill.

Rule number two: Don’t talk. Don’t raise an alarm. This is where you failed the government. You could have kept quiet and witnessed the miracle at the swearing in ceremony. Your loss! You shouted, and now, we will be denied the appearing.

Rather than the ghosts from the past haunting us, we might as well engage them positively. We need to realise that government has more facts at its disposal. There are classified information that help in high level decision-making. The board appointments are probably a trial run which, had it worked out, might have led to the engagement of ghosts for higher responsibilities.

For example, if a ghost emerges regularly at night to reverse work done on Lagos-Ibadan Expressway, wouldn’t it be better to engage it as minister of Works? One day, in the future, we may even end up with a ghost president.

Engaging ghosts will help the anti-corruption campaign. The living around Mr. President seem to have proved disappointing. With the dead, there’ll be no stealing. What would they spend the loot on anyway? They don’t use cars or jets, all pedestrian means of transportation for mere mortals – except some might develop ideas of buying caskets of pure gold in a bid to refurbish their sub-surface abodes. You can’t put anything past Nigerians, even dead ones.

Moreover, we save money in other ways. The more dead people we have in government posts, the more money we save as they will take no pay.

O! Ye men of little faith. When exactly did you lose faith in the magical abilities of this administration? Check out the APC manifesto we voted on. It only stopped a little short of the promise to raise the dead. How will all those promises be fulfilled without help from the great beyond?

Ok. Some ask how the men from behind the eternal divide were interviewed. My answer is the same. Classified information. Besides, have you been to where the president has been? Hmmmn?… All those missing weeks and months. The missing link…

Then there are the infamous Aso Rock ghosts, running around, making a misery of the lives of the occupants. Giving one from their constituency an appointment will provide a channel to present a list of their non-human ingredients of periodic pacification.

It is time therefore we gave this government kudos for trying an out-of-the-box solution. In other climes, the process would have been extended to see if long dead heroes could be brought back to life. Doesn’t the solution to the world’s problems today require a parliament of the dead? Imagine what the likes of Mahatma Ghandi, Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln, Nelson Mandela, Mungo Park and many of our deceased local heroes can bring to the ethereal table. Nigeria may yet have something dramatic to contribute to world development.

On a personal note, and despite the fact that it all didn’t work out eventually, I am grateful to this administration for the entertainment. As the drama unfolded, three names were discovered at first. Then more floated in one after another. It was like “Thriller” without Michael Jackson and without the music. And who knows? Michael, one many would really love to see, might himself have surfaced if not for the spoilers.

My advise for the government is to try this again next resurrection season. Timing matters in everything. Plus, it will be good for the 2019 campaign.

Ifedayo Babalola, a writer and satirist, writes from Ibadan. Email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..