When Damilola (not real name) met her husband, Israel Alake, in 2018 during a church service at Victoria Island, Lagos, she had hesitated about his proposal.
Apart from being only 21, she was still an apprentice at a make-up training centre in the same VI. “I was afraid of being rushed into marriage by him because he was already 36 at the time,” she told PREMIUM TIMES.
However, Mr Alake, an electrician, lavished gifts and ‘pocket money’ on her.
“He also showed me love and promised to set up a shop for me after our marriage so that I could be on my own. In fact, the offers were almost irresistible,” Mrs Alake, now 25 with two kids, said.
Eventually, she agreed to marry him.
Thus, in 2018, and without any sustainable means of livelihood, Mrs Alake, a secondary school certificate holder, tied the knot with her heartthrob.
But less than a year into their marriage, the relationship began to go south.
According to her, Mr Alake soon became a “bully” and jettisoned all the promises made in the past. But in just three years, they had two kids in spite of the troubled relationship.
However, she stepped out to buy some items recently and returned less than an hour after to find her belongings thrown out of the house, with some reportedly in the gutters.
Mrs Alake said that with her five-month-old baby strapped to her back, she spent more than an hour outside as he refused to open the door or answer her calls.
When he eventually opened the door, he warned her never again to knock at his door or call his phone number.
She said it took the neighbours’ intervention and pleas before Mr Alake gave the reason for his action.
“He said I disrespected him by going out of the house without telling him, and that I left our firstborn at home with him. But the two of them were sleeping when I rushed out to get something to cook. Until the evening of that day, he did not allow me to enter the house.”
Mrs Alake, who pleaded with PREMIUM TIMES to conceal her identity in this report, also begged that her husband should not be brought into the matter, “or else, he will kill me.”
She recalled how he beat her the previous week, leaving her with injuries on her face and arm that were yet to heal.
“My elder sister has been telling me to leave the house but I don’t want to give up on our marriage. I am confused. But I have to stay with him for the sake of our children because I don’t have anything to cater for them,” she said.ⓘ
She said he had sent her away to her parents more than twice and that he always ignored her parents’ call to settle their crisis. “I would end up going back to beg him despite disrespecting my parents because it is a thing of shame for me to live with my parents after marriage.”
Mrs Alake said apart from working at a private school as an attendant where she earns N10,000 monthly, she also engages in make-up business. She, however, said the business has not been moving well.
The mother of two suspected her husband was seeing another woman, and that it was the reason for his conduct.
Religion not enough to stop GBV
At the age of 27 and having failed to secure university admission after six attempts at the Unified Tertiary Matriculation Examination (UTME), Zainab Ilias was introduced to a Muslim brother and university graduate, Imran Ilias.
They were introduced by the wife of his elder brother identified simply as Hajia, who uses niqab – a veil worn by some Muslim women in public, covering all of the face apart from the eyes. Mrs Ilias also accepted to use niqab as advised by her suitor.
They were eventually married in 2017 with the husband, a school owner, promising to support her university education dream.
But less than two years into the marriage, Mrs Ilias said her husband suddenly changed and stopped talking about the promises made.
“He started looking down on me; he would call me names, saying that he married me with nothing apart from my O’level certificate.
“This marriage has been a living hell for me. Though he is religious, he breaks his promises and calls me names.”
Mrs Illias said she could not visit her parents for three years after her marriage. although this did not go well with her, she felt she had to remain with him for the sake of their children.
Asked if her husband has another wife, Mrs Ilias said no.ⓘ
She added that as a Muslim, “having another wife is not an issue but that shouldn’t affect the love and happiness of the one you have at home.”
CSO shares experience
“Most of the time, women tend to remain in abusive relationships as a result of the fact that they are not self-reliant, they are not self-sufficient. Due to lack of employment, they do not have what it takes to stand on their own because they have children in that marriage,” says Olajumoke Peters-Fadairo, a lawyer with Women Advocates Research and Documentation Centre (WARDC), a women’s rights organisation in Nigeria, which provides free services for female victims of gender-based violence and other women’s right abuses.
Mrs Peters-Fadairo narrated the story of one of WARDC’s many clients, Aisha Ogara, a 45-year-old petty trader and mother of three children, ages 24, 20, and 14 years. Mrs Ogara had reported to the organisation how she had suffered abuses for more than 20 years in her marriage.
She said Mrs Ogara has scars all over her body from the persistent beating by her husband.
Mrs Peters-Fadairo said one of Mrs Ogara’s children reported the case to the WARDC, “before we eventually invited her for an interview.”
“When she reported to our office, we asked if she wanted justice for the violation of her rights by getting her husband arrested for assault, but she declined.
“She rather requested that we should caution him on the violence against her and also on the children’s upkeep because she doesn’t intend to leave her matrimonial home for fear of losing the shop he got for her.
“We advised her and proceeded to the Ministry of Women Affairs and Social Welfare in Ogun State, where her husband was invited and a memorandum of understanding was drafted and her demands were met.”
What studies show
Studies have shown that there are thousands of women experiencing what is termed Intimate Partner Violence (IPV).
The United Nations defines violence against women as “any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual, or mental harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or private life.”
According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), violence against women, particularly intimate partner violence and sexual violence, is a major public health problem and a violation of women’s human rights.
Estimates published by WHO indicate that globally, about one in three (33 per cent) women worldwide have experienced either physical and or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime.
The estimates also indicate that almost one-third of women aged 15-49 years, who have been in a relationship, report that they have been subjected to some form of physical and/or sexual violence by their intimate partner.
Also, a report from Nigeria’s National Population Commission (NPC) estimates women’s lifetime exposure to IPV from their partner at 19 per cent for emotional IPV, 14 per cent for physical IPV, and 5 per cent for sexual IPV.
In 2021, the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team (DSVRT) reported that it recorded 10,007 reported cases of domestic violence, including sexual abuse perpetrated against adults and children between May 2019 and August 26, 2021.
The breakdown of the cases shows that domestic violence ranked highest with a total of 4,150 cases. Five of the victims were said to have died.
As of September 2021, DSVRT noted that three suspects were being prosecuted, while two suspects escaped.
Global body reacts
Spotlight Initiative, a global, multi-year partnership between the European Union (EU) and the United Nations (UN) to eliminate all forms of violence against women and girls, said it has partnered with several civil society organisations (CSOs) in Nigeria that provide services to vulnerable women and girls and particularly those experiencing multiple forms of discrimination.
According to its national coordinator in Nigeria, Hadiza Dorayi, women should be empowered from a young age to be confident enough. She said basic literacy and exposure will make a woman confident enough to speak and walk away because she deserves better.
“We have directly supported about 200,000 women to go back to adult education to complete their courses so that they can have basic literacy,” she said.
Speaking further on why women refuse to leave an abusive marriage, she said: “When it comes to persistent abuse in a marriage, a woman should be able to leave that situation. Although there are things that make a person stay in an abusive relationship or marriage, which could be selective and social norms, these are signs of low self-esteem.
“The fact remains that anybody can leave an abusive situation. After all, those that have left didn’t leave because they had something to do or a place to go. When you decide to leave then you will be able to find something to do.
“Spotlight initiative tries to make it easier for survivors, for example, we try to give room to women to report cases of abuse, to be treated health-wise, counselling, and legally get representation.”
She added that the organisation has worked directly with the ministry of women affairs to give shelters so that victims can have a place to stay for a while before starting a business.
She said the organisation has shelters in about 10 states in Nigeria and has organised skills acquisition training for over 5,000 out of the millions of women facing abuse in the country.
Editor’s Note: The names of the victims and their partners were changed due to fears of further attacks by the partners.
This report was produced with the support of the Africa Women’s Journalism Project (AWJP) in partnership with the International Center for Journalists (ICFJ) and through the support of the Ford Foundation.
