Freda is one of the UK's many carers and she's had to deal with a lot - including her son almost being sectioned because he is autistic
As a single mother to two teenagers, Freda McEwen has had to make her fair share of sacrifices to ensure her family's happiness.
With her daughter strapped to her chest and her son in his pushchair, she completed law school and has since written two books about her experience.
Freda is also one of the UK's 6.5 million carers. Her 19-year-old son, Tony, was born with autism - a diagnosis which took four years to make. She also claims it was this diagnosis that saw her husband, 'unable to deal with the stigma', leave them.
At times it has been an isolating experience for Freda - and she credits Carers UK with providing a lifeline for her. It's also an experience she has found empowering, saying: "It's taught me patience and tolerance."
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Freda tells Mirror Online how Tony was very passive as a newborn, though he did hit his milestones at the same rate as other infants. However, certain aspects of his behaviour began to worry his mum.
"He flapped his hands in an unusual manner, he made no eye contact and was unaware of danger.
"He ate and drank a lot, like a full grown adult. He lost his speech when he was 18 months old."
Going it alone
Getting a diagnosis was difficult, and the psychologist suggested Tony 'needed more time'.
According to Freda, it proved to be too much for Tony's father and in 1998, with a four-month-old daughter, the couple separated and he moved abroad, where he later remarried.
Freda continued to raise her young family whilst learning about and dealing with her son's condition.
Going out with him presented challenges: "Sometimes he'd lie on shop floors, cry uncontrollably and snatch things from people’s trolleys.
"I got used to apologising to people in advance. They'd look at us in such an embarrassing manner - as if my child was a curse and I was a sorry sight."
For each habit he developed, Freda came up with a way of dealing with them and helping him overcome them.
"When he hit his knuckles I gave him something else to play with any time.
"When he ate tissue, I removed tissue from the toilet and gave it to him only when needed.
"When he smeared poo on the walls, I made him look into my eyes and told him how upset I was."
The impact it had on the family was huge. Freda had to give up on her ambition to be a lawyer and accepted part-time jobs - both for the Inland Revenue and the Metropolitan Police.
"We struggled financially as I had to work part-time. My daughter, Crystal, was lonely and felt like an only child, demanding lots of attention."
Fighting for Tony
A further challenge presented itself. In 2012, the demands of her son's care meant Freda had to stop working altogether.
"It was just as well - my son’s school almost sectioned my child under section three of the Mental Health Act.
"I had to fight for my son’s rights - and my sanity. I researched, explored and wrote letters to anyone who cared to know - and anyone who didn't."
As a single mum with a child with special needs, Freda has grown used to people's perceptions and attitudes - and this extends to men who have approached her.
"Men who wanted to date me felt they were doing me a huge favour and I should be spending time on them.
"Both men and women wanted to take advantage of me because they felt I was living comfortably with a disability living allowance. That was rather ignorant."
"They never took into account furniture I had to replace, sensory equipment I needed to buy and taxis I had to take to be able to take him out."
There have been challenges for her daughter also, who has had to often protect her brother, although: "She misses out on brother-sister banter."
"People have invited my daughter to parties and not Tony. I'd reject those invitations. Some people have been considerate and invited them both."
Freda credits Carers UK with providing much-needed support and solidarity: "It helped me to know I am not alone, and how caring can be very rewarding.
"Sometimes one sees carers as impoverished and outcasts, but Carers UK show carers as being very important - and saving tax payers a huge amount of money."
Carers UK
Through the support from the charity, and her church, Freda has learnt to help Tony live as normal a life as possible.
"Rather than making them come out of their little world, explore theirs!
"Sometimes I cry when he cries, flap when he flaps.
"Now he is older I am enjoying my caring role more as he has acquired more skills.
"We can sit in the lounge and have tea or snacks together."
Freda's drive to make both her children proud has seen her keep active and join several boards and become a trustee for Carers UK and for her church.
Through her experience, Freda has adapted to be both a devoted mother and carer and understands how difficult it can be.
Offering her wisdom on the subject, she says: "They are SMART: Special, mentally challenging, artistic, reliable, time is what you need - give it time."
"Read, research, explore and most importantly show unconditional love. Don’t let your child see your anxiety but your smile."
Freda has authored two books, one of which (Autism: when reality kicks in) is available on Amazon.
